You may have read some of past blogs and know this already…but I typically get more sad around the holidays. I sometimes even fall into a place I have a hard time getting out of, but this year, I swore I wasn’t going to let that happen.
So for the first time, in I’m not sure how many years, I was not a weeping mess on Christmas Eve or the days leading up to it.
Nevertheless, anxiety is getting me bad. I believe it is anxiety, but honestly, I don’t know if there are other elements as well. For those that have never had anxiety or truly knew someone who did, then a lot of of things seems foreign or strange.
For me, I never had any anxiety than the norm- The before a test or race. But I did have my periods of sadness. I used to get stuck thinking about things I can’t change in life or even about the fact our lives will end and get stuck there. Literally like tar. I would have dreams about trying to run, but being unable to move my feet at all. I would stop buying anything for myself. I would stop eating much. I didn’t see the point in buying things that caused me temporary highs…we all were going to die anyway. Awful thinking, I know.
At night, I’d go to bed early saying I saw tired, but I’d really just be crying in my room until I feel asleep…and I wanted this time and place to do this.
As I got older and became a teacher, I didn’t have anxiety over speaking to my students in class or discipline. I started to be unable to sleep if there was a conversation I needed to have the next day. I would replay the conversation over and over again. Next, I started doing this with lessons until eventually, I could never sleep. It only got worse when we came back from a break or after the weekend. I would have to grade everything. I hated the lurking feeling of something I needed to do, more so, if I couldn’t do it then (aka the conversations and lessons) so I’d grade everything right away.
I left teaching. I loved the act of teaching and designing plans. I love my students. I didn’t like how overwhelmed my days and life felt. I didn’t like how my curriculum was being changes and books banned. & so I left.
My job now only offers me stress a few times a month because all my task can be handled at work and I refused to check my work phone.
I checked it over Christmas break, but the day before I went back. I saw the emails of things I couldn’t do and instantly was overwhelmed with their thoughts.
I still had life stress such as money, yet for almost no reason, and my father being sick. And on days when I felt this way, I couldn’t work out. I’d put the weight on the squat on my shoulders and feel unmovable. I’d get upset, cry. Because I wanted to do it so bad, but my mind and body weren’t letting me. When I get this way, I don’t want anyone to touch me and every single noise and movement is exaggerated to me. I can’t stand any of it. Besides this, my back is bad/hurt and I physically can’t workout some days; this thought stresses me out since for so long I was blamed myself for my injuries.
I feel bad for my husband who has to talk me down so often now.
I wanted to go to the graves, but I was too internalized in my thinking I didn’t want to tell my husband. But I wanted to go, so I got overwhelmed again and broke down to him and we went and I felt better.
And so, here we are today. And I feel fine. But I know that at some point, I won’t anymore given my cycle. This pisses me off. I have fought so hard to be strong and not have these thoughts and now they are changing parts of my life.
Anyway, the point is-I’m not perfect. I am human and I need to come to grips with the fact that this does not make me weak. I hate feeling weak and I never try to change or make myself feel better because I am afraid of opening up. I am afraid I will be misunderstood, told I should not feel this way, that how I feel is not valid, and so I close up.
But I’m working on this time and this writing is my first step to commitment. If you have any helpful thoughts or ideas, they are welcome.