Emotions Are Cray: Anxiety?

You may have read some of past blogs and know this already…but I typically get more sad around the holidays. I sometimes even fall into a place I have a hard time getting out of, but this year, I swore I wasn’t going to let that happen.

So for the first time, in I’m not sure how many years, I was not a weeping mess on Christmas Eve or the days leading up to it.

Nevertheless, anxiety is getting me bad. I believe it is anxiety, but honestly, I don’t know if there are other elements as well.  For those that have never had anxiety or truly knew someone who did, then a lot of of things seems foreign or strange.

For me, I never had any anxiety than the norm- The before a test or race.  But I did have my periods of sadness. I used to get stuck thinking about things I can’t change in life or even about the fact our lives will end and get stuck there. Literally like tar. I would have dreams about  trying to run, but being unable to move my feet at all. I would stop buying anything for myself. I would stop eating much. I didn’t see the point in buying things that caused me temporary highs…we all were going to die anyway. Awful thinking, I know.

At night, I’d go to bed early saying I saw tired, but I’d really just be crying in my room until I feel asleep…and I wanted this time and place to do this.

As I got older and became a teacher, I didn’t have anxiety over speaking to my students in class or discipline. I started to be unable to sleep if there was a conversation I needed to have the next day. I would replay the conversation over and over again. Next, I started doing this with lessons until eventually, I could never sleep. It only got worse when we came back from a break or after the weekend. I would have to grade everything. I hated the lurking feeling of something I needed to do, more so, if I couldn’t do it then (aka the conversations and lessons) so I’d grade everything right away.

I left teaching. I loved the act of teaching and designing plans. I love my students. I didn’t like how overwhelmed my days and life felt. I didn’t like how my curriculum was being changes and books banned. & so I left.

My job now only offers me stress a few times a month because all my task can be handled at work and I refused to check my work phone.

I checked it over Christmas break, but the day before I went back. I saw the emails of things I couldn’t do and instantly was overwhelmed with their thoughts.

I still had life stress such as money, yet for almost no reason, and my father being sick. And on days when I felt this way, I couldn’t work out. I’d put the weight on the squat on my shoulders and feel unmovable. I’d get upset, cry. Because I wanted to do it so bad, but my mind and body weren’t letting me. When I get this way, I don’t want anyone to touch me and every single noise and movement is exaggerated to me. I can’t stand any of it. Besides this, my back is bad/hurt and I physically can’t workout some days; this thought stresses me out since for so long I was blamed myself for my injuries.

I feel bad for my husband who has to talk me down so often now.

I wanted to go to the graves, but I was too internalized in my thinking I didn’t want to tell my husband. But I wanted to go, so I got overwhelmed again and broke down to him and we went and I felt better.

And so, here we are today. And I feel fine. But I know that at some point, I won’t anymore given my cycle. This pisses me off. I have fought so hard to be strong and not have these thoughts and now they are changing parts of my life.

Anyway, the point is-I’m not perfect. I am human and I need to come to grips with the fact that this does not make me weak. I hate feeling weak and I never try to change or make myself feel better because I am afraid of opening up. I am afraid I will be misunderstood, told I should not feel this way, that how I feel is not valid, and so I close up.

But I’m working on this time and this writing is my first step to commitment. If you have any helpful  thoughts or ideas, they are welcome.


2 thoughts on “Emotions Are Cray: Anxiety?

  1. First of all, congratulations. You’ve written this post. It must have taken a lot of courage, but you did it. I hope that you rewarded yourself with something. (this is something I learnt from having CBT)
    You are human, you can make mistakes, you do have feelings, and that is normal. You are not weak, just by posting this proves that you are not weak.
    Anxiety makes us feel and act in a way that isn’t ourselves. Keep yourself focused. Whether that’s day by day, or hour by hour. You can do it.
    I hope that you will have a fantastic New Year. I wishl you so much happiness. 🙂 ❤
    – Hannah


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