After having a few posts that have nothing to do with fitness, I wanted to go back to this. I wanted to go back to my thought process and let you in on my fitness life.
My last competition was the first weekend in June. This brought my competition total to 3 shows and though I extremely enjoyed all my shows, I was ready to be done. My mind saw the gym as a chore, it saw food in numbers, my life seemed to revolve around both items.
On prep, I guess this is part of it-part of the “sacrifice,” but I don’t believe you should feel or actually be sacrificing anything. When I started prep, I 100% wanted to cut. I was in it because I wanted to and I went harder than anything at the gym. I wasn’t sacrificing anything. Yet 3 weeks out rolls around and I am having weak gym sessions and I feel like I am there for the wrong reasons.
And so that was it. I decided in June, I was not going to compete again until I FELT it. Very vague, I know. I just know that last year, I had the itch to get back into a cut. I got sick of eating so much food on my bulk. Sometimes it really is hard to eat so much. I was at 2,500 calories a day after being at 900 peak week of my first show. DANGEROUS and not the way to do it. I took bad advice and didn’t track macros at that time. I was a naive girl who believed everything I read about shows.
Needless to say, 2500 was a huge jump, but worth it. Anyway, I felt it. I wanted to get up on stage.
By September, I had made the decision to get back to powerlifting. When I started working out, I benched, squatted, and did deadlifts. Then, I found out that bodybuilding shows existed and one was going to be 15 mins from me that summer. And so I did self research and changed my workouts, diets, everything.
In June, I knew I needed to go back to where I started from.
Powerlifting makes me mentally feel better on my bulk to be honest. You can be lean and powerlift. It’s not about being lean or not. I just still have a purpose. I have something I’m working towards that is strength based, not physique.
Some people can compete in multiple NPC shows a year, some don’t ever really take a bulking phase, some have the competition diet and mindset year round…that is fine for them, but not for me.
I work out for about an hour 2 days on, 2 days off rotating. That leaves me a lot of time to focus on me. What am I going to do with my other 23 hours and a whole 24 on others?
Rebuild me. Focus on my mental health. Focus on my physical health. Enjoy life and just live. I simply want to live carefree and not worry about items that I created myself. My entire life I have worried about food.
I remember in 8th grade, I was counting calories and refusing to eat certain foods I deemed unhealthy. I’d binge. Then, do it again. This would continue until graduating from college and finally I’d have a year where I was so injured I couldn’t run and I knew I needed a change…and then I started with my idea of competing.
For about 6 months before I knew bodybuilding competition existed, I learned I needed to eat more to gain muscle. Sound so simple now, but it didn’t click to me. So I began eating as much protein, protein shakes, and veggies I could. Not 100% right thinking, but better. I FINALLY didn’t track what I ate and the “I need to be thin” went out the window because I had a new purpose. Then 6 months into it, I read about competing and I read crazy diets online and get crazy advice and I’m counting everything again.
To me, I felt constrained. I felt chained by numbers and food. To me, that is not living.
I wanted to live life eating what I want, I want to eat without thinking of numbers, I don’t want to automatically plan out a day of eating if I know its not my normal routine, I don’t want to bring food everywhere in case I get hungry. I want to focus on my family, friends, job, and myself.
Currently I do make sure I get in enough protein, but I know estimates for everything so I think I do okay. I also don’t eat like a savage. I prefer “healthy choices” as seen in some eyes (grilled over fried etc). I want to actually drink a glass of wine or have a drink if I want too. Yes, I am a huge light weight compared to my former self, but I want that choice.
The next foreseeable competition I might do is August. But it’s a national show and my posing is not there. So that is a big maybe. I’m going to let each day go by making decision to say yes to what I want and no to things I truly don’t.
Maybe this sounds too lax like I’m not going and fiercely running towards my goals.
This is my goal. Powerlifting in Feb to be strong and eating to be strong. Feeling free. Focusing on all aspect of me.
This is one of the fiercest goals I’ve ever set.