This speaks to me on more levels that I can commit to writing and I wanted to share it because in an instant when I read this, I felt that someone somewhere understands.
I have learned this incredibly much so by the numerous who have message me on Instagram and left comments for me through this blog. Social media acts in mystery ways. It can cause so much damage through an easy path for bullies, self comparisons to others, fake personas, and more. But it can also be a gateway for others to connect and I have formed some of my closest friendships through it.
For me, I don’t complete fit into all categories listed above. My situation commonly is receiving an invite and desperately not wanting to go. I know that I need my time and my space to simply be with myself. I need to write or just think about what is happening in my life and what is making me feel the way I do. The writing makes me feel like I can manage everything, that is is not as bad as I thought it would be. I need to be with myself and try my best to understand myself.
Sometimes I need to talk it out. This mostly falls under the care of my husband who knows my whole story. For me, one thought leads to another thought which leads me to a hole that I can’t dig myself out of. I can’t put a finger one why I am upset and yet my eye lids are now 5x the size they used to be and my checked luggage under my eyes is now clearly above the weight limit. I feel inconsolable. I know how I feel but I don’t know exactly why. I feel alone. I feel limited. I feel constrained. I feel weighed and misunderstood. I feel like no one understands & I am more upset realizing that I think they should understand. I feel alone without the want to be independent.
I wake up the next morning and I feel ridiculously for the night before. I think how stupid it was. & then it happens again and again. Maybe not right away, maybe the following week, maybe the next day, maybe months from then. But it will happen again. I thought I grew out of it from when I was younger. I remember trying and making a goal to not cry every day. I felt like a broken toy too embarrassed to tell anyone that I think I broke myself.
I know deep down that I am not doing anything wrong. I know deep down that I need to find a fix for this and I know that this is not something I can live with forever as stubborn as I am. I know that this writing right here is the most public and personal I have been my entire life & I feel the vulnerability creeping up with each key I stroke.
But I hate how I let myself feel. I hated not feeling like I had anyone who could relate or understand. When I felt this way years ago, I scanned the internet. I googled random crap. I looked for quotes to try to find the words that would sum up all the parts of how I felt. And so maybe, though this post is very much helping me come to grips and understand myself…maybe someone will be scanning the internet and it will click for them.
Yesterday I wrote about self love and I don’t want anyone to think this goes against what I said. Remember, to me, self love is two fold: Body and who you are as a person. I know I love my body which is an amazing accomplishment. And I know I do love who I am as a person and we can all be better people so I will always strive to be a better person. I do love who I am because I know I am this way because of my story and I won’t give up. I will fight to be happier and to create a more positive life for myself.