For a long time, I felt that I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t pretty enough. I wasn’t skinny enough; I was too skinny. I was too quiet at times, too loud at others. I wasn’t fast enough. If I didn’t win the race, I would be a disappointment. If I didn’t get good grades, I’d be the dumb one. If I didn’t place, I was an embarrassment.
These past thoughts were all directly correlated to pleasing other people, either society or specific individuals who were a part of my life at the time.
I have long changed from the need to please others and yet, the other night I caught myself saying to my husband in frustration, “I am not good enough.”
“Good enough for whom?”
I didn’t answer and knowing when I’m in this mindset it is always a slippery slope, he didn’t push me.
I wasn’t good enough for myself. Good enough by my own standards that I have created for myself.
Recently, I have been feeling extremely overwhelmed. I feel like I am running out of time to do the things I want. My lifting numbers are not good enough for where I want to be. I feel that for my age, I should be able to do more and maybe there is no way to catch up to where I want to be because I have hit my peak and missed it. This mindset takes me from following my plan routine to trying to max and failing.
This failing isn’t due to weakness. I get so nervous. So tense. I feel like I can’t move. I am terrified of failing with the weight and so I can’t even try to squat. I’m scared of it. Sometimes it is my mentality, other times it is because my riblet is hitting a nerve and shooting a pain down the back when I place the bar on it….sometimes it’s both.
This whole dilemma is causing me to worry about my lifting meet in 4 weeks. If I get in this mindset while I am at the meet, there is no getting out of it. I will be embarrassed. I will feel inadequate and I know I will not want to continue this path I was so excited to go on.
Besides lifting, travel is a huge weight on my shoulders. There is so much I want to see and experience. I don’t want to wait until I am older. If I wait until I’m older that just means I am going to see less. Seeing just the neighboring areas is not good enough for me. And that is okay. It is okay for something to not be good enough for you as long as it makes sense and challenges you in a good way. But with travel comes money. So the thought of never actually going anywhere due to money pushes me even further into the ground and leads me to think of other day to day items we will need shortly like a new car and eventually a new house. People talk about their careers and I want to back petal a few years to when I was top of my class and felt like I knew what I was doing. I want to tell that girl that this is not the major for her and to change it now. Instead, I will have to change it 3 years into the career and need to start at the bottom doing a job which isn’t bad, but it is not enough. Then we have people who talk to me about having kids and I want to be buried to my neck.
I feel chained and constrained to where I am at and I hate it. I want to feel free and I want to feel like I am taking steps towards what will make me happy. And so, I am currently planning 2 trips within the US. Small, but new places.
However, then we have my husband who is about to go on a business trip. And I so desperately want to go, but I can’t…I don’t think. All these places I want to travel to and go to I’d love to do them by myself, but even more with him.
Since we have been together so long, everything we have done, everywhere we have gone, has been together. And now, it is a new location and he is going and not me.
That’s two aspects that make me feel like someone is stepping on my chest. I know it is irrational, but when you already feel like your legs are stuck in quicksand, pressure comes easy.
What am I doing to try to change this?
- Writing down how I feel
- Trying to figure out why I feel that way
- Create ideas of how to change each thing
- Making a plan of how to follow through with those ideas
- Treat myself and do little things that make you happy.
- Talk to someone. I talk to my husband, but expecting him to know exactly what to say is unreasonable.
- Go to the doctor. I worry about money and so I don’t go. I should be going weekly…but I go about every other. Fixing my back pain will help make this all better.
- Find new experience and go through with planning the trips I have ideas for.
- Be good enough for myself all around.
I know there is no problem with always wanting to better yourself. Yet, when you are debilitated by your thoughts to the point where you are hindering yourself from become better…then something needs to give. I am learning and I will bounce back. From September to now I have increase my deadlift 45lbs, squat 40, and bench 15lbs. I have a lot of room to grow and can’t imagine how my numbers would be if I had more faith in myself and realized I have only been doing this less than 4 months.
I am my own worst enemy working to soon be my best friend.