You cannot decide my happiness. You cannot define what makes me happy. You can not make choices that are going to make me happy. Only I can find my own happiness and only you can find yours.
Many times in life, I find myself stuck on short term highs and obsessing on returning to that moment and to that specific memory to try to relive it. I can’t place my finger on exactly what makes me happy and so I cling to memories to help me get as close as possible.
I remember dancing. Dancing and laughing and singing as loud as possible. I remember being drunk off the vibe of the night and that special potion that flowed through my veins. I remember being high on our chemistry and your eyes belonging to me. I remember driving fast blurred images of lights making the world seem like space travel. Screaming out the window of the car words of intimidation to friends whose eyes belonged to the red light waiting green to speak a silent go. Feeling invisible. Feeling invincible. Feeling like we own this world. Winding roads with individuals I just met that night shoved in the car worried about each curved road heart racing at each screech of the tire and slam of the break. Grass flying through the air like a cycle as our truck danced in circles on a field. Screaming high pitched to ever meeting of a known friend; screaming out of happiness words that made me feel alive. Living for the nights weightless.
A life time ago that made me happy. Hell, it still would probably make me happy…most of it…some of it.
I remember what made me happy. Forgetting about my stressers. Forgetting about my weight. Being with people who didn’t know my baggage, besides my boyfriend who wouldn’t tear challenge my nights happiness.
Reliving a memory isn’t going to give you lasting happiness. Creating a new memories using what caused the previous happiness it.
Dancing. Laughing. Singing. Feeling weightless. Feeling invincible. Feeling unconditionally loved.
Someone can tell me to go get my nails done. Go get your hair done. Go buy some new clothes.
That is not going to make me happy; someone else…sure. Happiness to me comes deeper. It has always been a struggle for me to feel happy. I will be in a moment, in a situation, where I have no, absolutely no reason to not be happy and yet, I don’t feel it. I need to feel it.
Happiness to me is going to the park with my now husband on a warm day and breaking the unexpected, being distinctively me. It is laying on the ground when ten benches are available. It is walking in the pouring down rain, jumping in puddles, and enjoying every moment of it. It is not caring what anyone anyone is thinking and being so enclosed with the moment I don’t even think about anything but me.
Happiness is feeling free of stress. Being so into the moment that I am simple dancing, blaring whatever song my mind is craving and dancing whatever jig my legs led me too without constraint. Laughing about nonsense. Laughing contagiously being so caught up in laughs that words aren’t necessary.
Sometimes what made us happy, can’t anymore. Sometimes we are forced to evolve and find new means of happiness simply because the original source is gone.
Happiness is having the choice of what I want when I want.
Sometimes these moments are coupled with events or other items such as food.
I love donuts. I love ice cream. I love a drink here and there. I love most food & yes, sometimes this is my short term source of happiness.
Yet, other times it is not. Sometimes my happiness comes from goals and desires such as competing in a bodybuilding show. In these moments, someone thinking “I’m not happy because I am not eating food I like,” would be completely and utterly false and will without a doubt piss me off to no end.
In this moment, my happiness is through having the willpower and strength. Not in food and alcohol.
What makes you happy in the short term can change. For me it does change, a lot.
My long term happiness goals are what I said above laughing, dancing, weightless, singing, feeling invincible. What aids in these goals changes.
Right now, I have strength goals. I don’t care about having a lean physique or being shredded…that is not what is making me happy. I am not dieting. So bring on the food and the drinks. And then, this goal will change when I decide I want it to.
I think you get the point.
Our routes of happiness change. And they are allowed too. We get our happiness from inside us and we are the only ones who can decide our happiness. You aren’t going to get long term happiness searching for materialist things or listening to others’ definitions of happiness….you need to define it yourself and hold close to the elements.
Happiness is not found out there; it is found within you.