In my life, there are many things I have sought out to do. To complete a paper for school, pass a class, apply for a job, interview, gain muscle, be a teacher, compete in bodybuilding, lose weight, compete in powerlifting, rock climbing, archery, softball, soccer, track, get married, have friendships, write about my life, and heck, I even tried pole dancing.
All these items I have done for different reasons. Most for me, some for others, some with a mixture sprinkled in. The items I didn’t buy into or decide myself, eventually fizzled out or I finally realized “hey I’m not happy.” MAKE A CHANGE, BETH.
What I have learned is that the activities I have drove towards with an agenda none other than myself, I have struggled.
Let’s talk small scale. Complete a paper for school. I can clearly remember the topics that I enjoyed learning about and therefore, had a passion to write it. Those grades were always high, while if you look at some other papers, you will see lower grades and I can firmly tell you…I was bored.
Now these grades were never ridiculously low. The only C I can remember was one paper in 10th grade because the ME factor comes in. I personally, could never allow myself to not get an A or B. Even if I could careless about the paper, I would not allow myself to fall short of a good class average. Doing well in school was a confidence booster.
Going on into college, I picked my major not because I wanted that to be my future career. What do you want to be when you grow up? I think I thought about this seriously for a span of 2 days. I wanted to be a marine biologist or zoologist. I wanted to do something in the science field. What did I enroll it? English. You can’t get a job in English? Okay. I’ll be a teacher.
That was the only thought given. I picked a major I knew I wouldn’t fail at because I was afraid of failure. So afraid of failure I let it decide my fate for the next 3.5 years. And I was right. I would graduate early with the highest honors and get a job right out of school. I would love the act of teaching what I was passionate about…and dislike every other part. And so, I would finally make this enlightenment, mostly when I went back to interview for a position at a school I had subbed at. During the interview (which was a lesson to a class watched by the principal, assistant principal, and teachers), I would freeze overwhelmed with the knowledge that this is not where I belonged. Not because they didn’t want me there (which they 100% DID NOT after my lesson), but because I didn’t want to be there. I butchered my lesson completely. I don’t even remember what I did or say, but I remember being overwhelmed with embarrassment. Crying on the drive out and devouring a classic hoagie at Wawa.
I didn’t choose my future based on what I wanted. I picked it based off of fear.
Losing weight when I was younger was based on control and the need to please myself, a sick myself, a myself that needed help. So I succeed, but that wasn’t a good thing.
Soccer, softball-my parents signed me up. I liked it, but I wasn’t any superstar.
Archery-I wanted to do. I loved to do. Cost was an issue.
Running was my passion. I trained long hours. I pushed myself all the time. I dropped off of running in college based on fear. Knowing I was going to be the bottom the team and not being able to handle it.
After college, I would join a running club and compete again at the Penn Relays in the Olympic Development Division.
Hold up. I am still not eating right and I get so many injuries the act of sprinting is now painful in intense training. Bye bye running. Hello bodybuilding.
I think bodybuilding was the first item that I choose for myself. There was no outside influence from anywhere. I saw it and I wanted it for me. I wanted it after it made me realize how weak I was. I couldn’t hide my fears anymore.
I competed again and again & changed to powerlifting because this was my first dream when I got into weightlifting. I signed up for my first meet. Got overwhelmed by the talent coming. Tried to do too heavy and just too much for my lift after seeing this talent and the meet became more about trying to look good and placing and less about doing it for me….and I bombed out.
Fear tells me to give up and never try again. So I am enrolling in a meet in 2 weeks.
Suck it fear.