What Do I Want.: Want vs. Fear vs. One Hit Wonder

What do I want is a question, but in my mind I see that to be a period. What do I want period.

I feel like every day my mind jumps to 10 different things I would do if I could do and I’m left saying to myself “Why can’t you do it.”

Period. No question mark. I think what I am finding out is that somehow I need to decide what I really want to do versus what sounds good to me in the moment versus what I let fade away out of fear.

Damn past. Go away.

I don’t let my mind focus on one thing very long. I’m not sure why. Maybe because I get discouraged or I let fear creep in? So I am here forcing myself to put all those thoughts and desires down. I know once I start..I will realize how “ehhhhh I don’t know about that” somethings are….at least I hope I get those realization. This list is focus on me personal; my wants for my life are all surrounded by having my husband there with me. He doesn’t need his own bullet because he is me. I know he would want all these things I want for me….if I can figure out which ones I actually want.

  1. I want to get stronger. I recently did 2 powerlifting competitions. One that went horribly and one that went pretty well (still waiting for full results). After doing this, I don’t want to lose my strength. I want to only grow stronger. There is such a rush in seeing how much your body can handle and how much you can mentally.
  2. I want to get lean again. I didn’t say I wanted to do bodybuilding again. This time around I am technically in prep right now, but it is probably the most laid back I’ve ever been. I really just want to see what my muscle looks like underneath. I want this more than I want to compete in anything. I just want to see my work; it is art to me.
  3. I want to do nationals. I say this and don’t mean it. Nationals scares the hell out of me, but I also don’t think I have the drive to hardcore do a prep and spend all the money to go to Nationals. Do I want to do nationals one day? Maybe. I’ll have to qualify again. When I think of the hotel stay and travel, I start to think of the PLACES I want to travel and Pittsburg isn’t one of them. This is the big question mark to me. Maybe I don’t think I am good enough for Nationals? I don’t think my posing is.
  4. I want to compete in July. The only reason I want to compete in July is to qualify for Nationals again to make me feel better about number 3. Point blank. I also want to be lean by July for my number 2…however, all of these effects my number 1. Help.
  5. I want to start reading again. This is a little goal, but reading and books were so much a part of my life. I used to read entire books in a day and search the internet for used book sales. Now I have so many used books and so many I haven’t read. I miss literature. I miss all of it and yet I could read I just don’t give myself the time.
  6. I want to write my story. I started writing bits and pieces of my life on my site, but I stopped. I know why I stopped. I go overwhelmed at how much I had to write and I felt like I wanted to write about my father. I couldn’t start. I can never write about those closes too me. I started to become overwhelmed with missing out on his story while he is alive. I started to feel guilty for the things I would write about others and family. But it is their truth. I didn’t use the same names? How do I create a story that won’t hurt anyone that is true? I think I know how. I just can’t bring myself to do it. Kick me in the ass someone please.
  7. I Want to Model more seriously. Currently, I have done 5 fitness photo shoots which have been offered to me aka I didn’t need to pay anything. Each time I was less and less nervous and it scares the crap out of me, but I love seeing the images. I already have a shoot lined up for the Summer for number 6. I think once I am at a good level of leanness again, I am going to force myself to enter some agencies. Why can it hurt? Maybe I’ll submit the images to magazines just because and enter contests I see. I haven’t fully committed to this yet.
  8. I Don’t Want Fitness to be my career. I have my nutrition certification and was active in plans and training for a little. I planned to get my personal training certification and didn’t. I started focusing on building my career now. I think to myself, if I have to move for my husband’s job and start all over….then I’ll do it. I’ll do it if we don’t need my salary to survive. That’s not good thinking. I’m not committed enough to start my personal training certificate right now. I think this is because I am committed to my current work.
  9. I want to move forward in my career. Like I kinda just said. I have high hopes of where my career will go to and I think I’m waiting. I am waiting to fully see the happiness and satisfaction that comes out of this pursuit.
  10. If I want a lot of money, I’d offer 500k to Tasmanian Tiger researchers and ask if I could spend 2 months with them. Yup, that was my thought this morning. All of this is deeply rooted in my goal growing up. My favorite animal was the Tasmanian Tiger because I saw it on TV and did all this research for it. I even had it on my birthday cake and my mom the exact amount of stripes it had to have. I need to find the picture so I can see the face of my friends at my birthday party. I didn’t realize this animal was extinct until I did my research and at that point, I decided I wanted to be a zoologist. I would try to read my mother’s old college text books (I was like middle school). Then somewhere, I lost this drive. I entered college in a “safe-get-good-grades” major for me and this whole thing disappeared. I’ve been following the news stories about the recent Tassie sighting and watched a show on it last night and it just reminds me of how desperately attached I was to this animal and how much I wanted to fight for it. It makes me wonder what my life would be if I had gone into the major I had wanted as a child.
  11. I want to get evolved. I get urges to reach out to organizations that deal with topics I want to help. I want to do something. I want to feel like I am impacting the cause some how. I even have emailed some groups…which never emailed me back. So I stopped trying. I think “if I had a higher position, then they might listen to me because I would be on some board or something.” Not 100% true, but I let myself believe it.
  12. Sometimes when my husband says I won’t have to work someday, I dream of that idea. I could get involved in any organization I want and I could do my personal training. But other times, I hate it. I hated having summer’s off as a teacher. I was bored on day 1.  I didn’t branch out and become a part of anything…I don’t know why. Instead, I got a new job and left teaching. I don’t know if I’d want to ever not work. I like my job. When I was a teacher, there were days I dreaded going. Those days are far and few when I am now.
  13. I Want to Move. But not yet. I don’t want to leave my father. I don’t want to leave my immediate family yet. The thought in living in the same place I was born my whole life is terrible for me.
  14. I Want to Travel. Every dumb purchase or event that is going to cost me more than I think it is worth makes me think how it could be used for travel. I want to see places. I want to be other places. I don’t care about being uncomfortable on a damn place for 22hrs. Yes it will suck for those 22 hours, but it will be worth it. If you pay for nicer seats, that’s a 1000 dollars more….a 1000 dollars you could have used to go to some place else.
  15. I Want to Experience as Much as I can. Any festival, concert, interesting event, festive event, piece of nature. Just anything that stands out to me…I want to do it at some point. I just want to be doing things that make my life feel worth living.
  16. I Want to Own a Donut Icecream Bar. This thought happened while in Vegas at a Waffle Bar. I had it all figured out. I would partner with my favorite local bakery and start out selling at flea markets or sporting events in town. I returned from Vegas and there was a ice cream place now serving it with donuts.
  17. I Want Something of My Own. I know I have my hobbies and they are definitely a huge part of me, but I think what I am missing is having ownership in something more tangible like a business or something….I don’t have it figured out yet.
  18. I Want to Travel with my dog. My dog is actually an emotional support dog so she is allowed on airplanes. I have never made use of this but I want too. People think animals are just animals, but to me Dakota is not just an animal. She is so much a part of me and I want to take her with me somewhere. I want her to experience what I experience at least on a USA flight not too far.  I want to make her the happiest she can be and I feel like an emotional train wreck because I’m nearly crying writing this when I didn’t for any other number.
  19. I Want Another Tattoo. One particular actually that will take several sessions and time so I would probably just start it and add one as I got the money. I want to create a design myself that contains everything I want. This is the tattoo that would probably end my want for tattoos because there’d be nothing else I’d really want. And I’d design it. That uniqueness is what I love.
  20. I want to be sporadic. I want to do things at random. Oh an event is happening in tonight…let’s go. I want to go to Florida…let’s book it. I want to go to this donut shop 2 hours away…let’s go. Life doesn’t need to be planned. I love planning, but it doesn’t have to be and sometimes it doesn’t need to be because life is unpredictable and you never know what is going to happen at any given moment.


How do you know you are alive? When you are doing something worth living.

Thoughts, you own wants, anything? Tell me.


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