No Show in Sight.

It has been two months since I’ve wrote a post. I thought about writing multiple times, but I always put it off. Some of this was due to the nonchalant-ness I wanted to have while starting my prep for a bodybuilding show. I wanted to just simply cut without thinking about it to make it as easy as possible.

Instead of blogging, I created two YouTube Videos, here PREP LIFE  

 

UntitledVideo one is how lackadaisical I was going about prep with pictures and the second is me tasting oreos and driving around with Dakota on Mother’s Day. OH! And updated weight loss pictures.

I have gone from 138.8-124.2. You can see this on the YouTube or my IG.

Last year for prep, I posted a video every week or every two weeks religiously. This year I am over 10 weeks into prep and I have 2. My heart was not in the right place. Better yet, my mind wasn’t.

In April, I felt a twinge in my back after a hard leg day. I thought nothing of it until the next day when bending over was limited. I focused on arms. Pain went away. I’d squat or deadlift….next time the pain is back. I took time off and even spent a week where I just did two days of sprints. I’m not sure if it was the sprints or the 5 hour flight, but the next day, I was in awful pain. It hurt to sit. I couldn’t drive 10 mins without needing to twist my body (Super safe right?). It would start dull and slowly build up until I couldn’t stand it.

I spent a month trying a chiropractor and took a complete week off of all lifting. I tried lifting again and all was good until squats. I now can’t squat 135lb without pain.

When I started this prep, it wasn’t only to do bodybuilding. Above bodybuilding, I wanted to complete in powerlifting at a lower weight class. I would be more competitive and it is the weight I was the majority of my life. I knew I could maintain it and have strength.

So realization hit me. I have been cutting for over 10 weeks: March 19-June 14. There is no way I can complete in a powerlifting contest to my full ability even after this problem gets fixed. I will need to train and rework up to my lifts. So the only thing I could probably do? Bodybuilding. But did I really want to do bodybuilding?…I am realizing over and over again that the answer is no. I wanted to lean out to see the muscle for summer and to compete in powerlifting.

Now powerlifting is out of the picture for now…but without doing a bodybuilding show, I feel like I am cutting for nothing.

And so I search the shows I could do in time and only find 1 date that works… the show only had 9 girls last year and the other is 2 hours away.

I feel like I NEED to do a show or I am cutting for nothing. I feel like I NEED to do a show or I failed. I am not capable. I am not good enough. I didn’t gain enough muscle. I am not mentally strong enough.

All these thoughts went off and finally a red flag burst from my skull into my face (metaphorically..but if that actually happened, I’d dig it). If I am having this thought pattern, I should not be competing.

I should be okay cutting for myself. I should be okay with wanting to be lean for me. I should be okay with not doing a show. I should feel enough and strong without competing. The fact that I don’t is a problem. I realized I had become stressed out with food, but hiding it from my husband. I was already contemplating how to hit my macros or eat lower calories one day to make it through different events coming up.

But, I would have never did that in the past. In the past, I would have let myself live and enjoy the experience. Yes, that would have been my cheat meal, but I wouldn’t have stressed about it and planned meticulously.

I need to focus on getting my body healthy. When I was a runner, I didn’t focus on getting my body healthy. I would drag it through the dirt, mud, fire, pain, anything so I could keep working out. Now is not the time for me to go back to that.

And so, the show needs to be gone from my mind. There will ALWAYS be more shows. That is a thought I keep telling myself followed by, “Do you even want to do a show?”

Bodybuilding shows helped me restructure my life. They forced me to eat healthy. To eat more. To learn about nutrition and now I have incredible control over my body and understand it so well.

But, I need to learn how to do these things without the thought of a bodybuilding show. I need to learn to do these things because I love fitness and my body.

Anyway. Sometimes things are more important. Mental health is more important. I’ve made such progress the last 3 years in my mental health even though it only shows in pictures through my physique for many. For me, I know my personality is changed. I have my confidence more often. I have my independence and just the deep breath and refreshing feeling of being who I want to be freely.

Absolute freedom and wildness.

If you have the same problem or struggle with the balance, your not alone. I think it is more common that you think. So now, doctor’s Friday and telling myself to listen to the doctor….because I suck at that.

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2 thoughts on “No Show in Sight.

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